Friday, September 25, 2009

Hello Everyone:

Tim Goodman, a TV critic at the San Francisco Chronicle, thinks he is very clever to come up with the idea of combining the concepts of Dexter with Ken Burns’ National Parks documentary.

But I am even more cleverer . . . rer than Mr. Goodman by 1.573 million miles, because, just recently I have completed my very own screenplay I am calling Dexter Meets Ken Burns.

Dexter Meets Ken Burns is about how Dexter discovers that Ken Burns has been using fake backdrops and CG effects in his National Parks documentary. Enraged, Dexter kidnaps Ken Burns, but accidentally assembles his killing room using crumbling plastic sheets and ties up Ken Burns with old used duct tape that has lost its stickiness. After chewing his way through the duct tape and rope, Ken Burns escapes. Dexter must now stop Ken Burns from releasing his next six-part,
12-hour documentary How I Escaped Dexter. Will he do it in time!?

I have already left phone messages with Showtime, Ken Burns and Michael C. Hall, but I guess they are very busy because they have not called back. If we cannot get Mr. Burns to play himself, I am sure Vin Diesel will and if we cannot get Mr. Hall maybe John Hodgman will be available to play Dexter (and as Hodgman is the Smartest Man I Know, I am sure he will accept).

Please feel free to offer any of your casting ideas. Your name will be included on the “thank you” list of the end credits (though Showtime may decide I am asking too much).

Whatever the results, I am very very sure this will be remembered as Hugh Lafferty's Best Idea!

Thank you for your help.

Monday, September 7, 2009

I Must Forget to Learn How to Read

Hello everyone. I look to the Smartest Man I Have Ever Met for wisdom in everything I say, think and do (unless my wife Gladys says “no”). He always presents me with new challenges. This week he has recommended that readers of his blog forget how to learn to read in order to enjoy the release of his latest publication on shiny laser drink coasters.

I must admit, the notion of forgetting how to read causes my brain to make a rusty crunching noise. I have spent fifty years learning how to read. (In fact, just yesterday, I learned how to spell “sesquipedalian” without chewing open the inside of my mouth. Tomorrow I will learn what it means.)

But that I have to learn to listen to expensive-looking shiny laser drink coasters confuses me even more.

Some months ago, Gladys purchased what she said was the unexsperm—unexpurgled—the complete Bible, including complete text, audio, page-by-page film reenactments, complete annotations, illustrations and concordance, all which, she claimed, fitted onto silvery laser drink coasters.

I put to the coasters to my ear and held them up to the light, but did not hear or see anything. They would not play on my Victrola either, so I decided they were a rip-off and gave all 575 of them away at the local WalMart Starbucks where I thought they would look very nice on the tables. (Gladys became very angry and made me stay in the next four Saturday nights, time I usually spend out in our garden in my towel-cape, Superman t-shirt and underpants conversing with the Mole Men).

It is also very possible that I will need complete, thorough, word-by-word instructions on how to unlearn to read. Is it anything like learning how to stutter? (Tom, my downstairs neighbor, suggests reading Dan Brown might help.)

As always, I look forward to Hodgman’s (and everyone else's) advice.

Thank you for your help.