Monday, September 7, 2009

I Must Forget to Learn How to Read

Hello everyone. I look to the Smartest Man I Have Ever Met for wisdom in everything I say, think and do (unless my wife Gladys says “no”). He always presents me with new challenges. This week he has recommended that readers of his blog forget how to learn to read in order to enjoy the release of his latest publication on shiny laser drink coasters.

I must admit, the notion of forgetting how to read causes my brain to make a rusty crunching noise. I have spent fifty years learning how to read. (In fact, just yesterday, I learned how to spell “sesquipedalian” without chewing open the inside of my mouth. Tomorrow I will learn what it means.)

But that I have to learn to listen to expensive-looking shiny laser drink coasters confuses me even more.

Some months ago, Gladys purchased what she said was the unexsperm—unexpurgled—the complete Bible, including complete text, audio, page-by-page film reenactments, complete annotations, illustrations and concordance, all which, she claimed, fitted onto silvery laser drink coasters.

I put to the coasters to my ear and held them up to the light, but did not hear or see anything. They would not play on my Victrola either, so I decided they were a rip-off and gave all 575 of them away at the local WalMart Starbucks where I thought they would look very nice on the tables. (Gladys became very angry and made me stay in the next four Saturday nights, time I usually spend out in our garden in my towel-cape, Superman t-shirt and underpants conversing with the Mole Men).

It is also very possible that I will need complete, thorough, word-by-word instructions on how to unlearn to read. Is it anything like learning how to stutter? (Tom, my downstairs neighbor, suggests reading Dan Brown might help.)

As always, I look forward to Hodgman’s (and everyone else's) advice.

Thank you for your help.

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