Why I Want to Go to Prison: Part I

Hello Everyone:

This recent "blog" posting from The New Yorker about a woman who wrote many of her books while she was in prison has inspired in me a very smart and good idea that is sure to help me finish the book I am trying to write now. I would like to share it with you and ask you what you think:

"Dear FBI Director Robert Mueller:

My name is Hugh Lafferty. I live in Emeryville, California. I am also the author of two very worthwhile and readable books: Hate Letters to Stephen Colbert and Paint! The Substance that Covers the Earth!

I am working on a new book called Gravity’s Rainbow: The Prequel Where Tyrone Slothrop Meets Stephen Dedalus. Writing this book is turning out to be a little harder than I expected. (For example, there were no V-2 rockets raining down on Dublin, Ireland in 1914 -- at least as far as I know.)

To overcome the creative roadblocks I have been encountering, I think it would be a very good and smart idea for me to rob the Bank of America on California Street and Kearny in San Francisco, on October 23, 2009 at 4 PM (unless the MUNI bus system breaks down again, in which case I may very well be somewhat late).

Just when I am making my “getaway,” you will arrest me, put me on trial and have me sentenced to Federal Prison for a very nice long stay. This way, I am sure I will be able to finish my book without distraction.

Some (among them my wife Gladys) have suggested that I commit a lesser crime that would result in a shorter jail sentence, such as Blackmail. Unfortunately, it turns out that Someone Smarter and Faster than I got to David Letterman before I did.

In addition, a very long jail term in federal prison would also allow me much more time to finish the many other books I want to write without distraction. Among them are:

When Life is Unfair: Penis Envy from Mozart to Strom Thurmond;

Rip-off! How Cynthia Ozick Stole My Ideas, Changed Her Name to Dan Brown and Made Millions; and

'I Just Wanted to Ride in the Air on a Big Crane': How I Discovered the Truth About Al Gore's Global Warming Campaign.

You will note, of course, that all my books have very long titles. This is because my research has shown me that people buy more books that have long titles than books with short titles, especially titles with colons in them. As I have learned from long experience, books with long titles take longer to write. So, I am sure my time in jail will be well spent.

Should your FBI agents not find me at the bank exactly at 4 PM (Thank you again, MUNI!), please ask them to be patient as I will be there to rob the bank as soon as I can. I am recognizable by my hirsute, height-challenged physique and white shirt and blue tie. I will also be wearing matching pants and shoes.

I look forward to meeting you and the FBI.

Thank you for your help.

Hugh Lafferty"

And, of course, thank you for your help.