Sunday, October 25, 2009

Why I Want to Go to Prison, Part 2

Last week or so, I shared with you my plans to rob the Bank of America in San Francisco,Friday, October 23, 2009 at 4 PM.

I suppose you are all wondering how that went.

Unfortunately, just as I was putting the finishing touches on my mission (drawing up a proposed list of Federal Prisons conducive for the writing of books), my downstairs neighbor Tom called me on the wireless telephone to tell me that the BofA branch in that location had moved to North Carolina.

This stumped me for a few minutes, as I doubted I could get to the North Carolina BofA before closing time.

Suddenly a brilliant solution
flushed into my mind: There were other BofA branches in San Francisco. I could rob one of them!

I was truly undaunted, but when I expressed my undauntedness, Tom sternly warned me that some Very Important Friends of His in the FBI had called to inform him that everyone at the local FBI had come down with the H1N1 flu.

This meant, therefore, there would be no FBI agents at the BofA to arrest me when I made my daring afternoon raid.

What’s more, if took the MUNI bus, I might catch the H1N1 virus myself!

This was something to ponder.

It is a good thing that I do not get out of the house very often.

Thank you for your help.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The High Cost of Breathing

The Breathing Meter for the Lafferty House
(Ours is the one on the top)

Hello Everyone:

Today, I learned another Very Important Thing from the Smartest Man I Have Ever Met. He told me in his blog that breathing air in Tribeca, a neighborhood in New York City, costs 15 cents!

I immediately wanted to know: Is that 15 cents per cubic foot? If so, that is a lot to pay for the air that you breathe! In Emeryville, we pay 10 cents per cubic foot, but 50 cents per cubic yard. There is no discount for breathing air in bulk, so we do not run or otherwise exert our bodies very much (unless we are being chased by the always hungry East Bay Street Wolf.) We cramp up a lot, but we do save lots of money.

I asked Hodgman if he could possibly post the rates for breathing in the many various neighborhoods of New York? As my family and I would like to pay a visit to New York City someday, it would probably be a Very Good Idea to post these rates. I wonder if they have breathing meters like we do in Emeryville? Except for the one that is hooked up to our house, ours look like parking meters. Sometimes I have a hard time telling the difference, which is why my wife, Gladys, does not let me out of the house very often.

Talk about the high cost of living!

Thank you for your help.

Friday, October 9, 2009

I Am Worried About Bacon

Hello Everyone:

Please watch the moving video program below starring the Very Nice Congressman.

After watching this video, I became very concerned and sent the following e-mail to President Obama:

"Dear President Obama:

If you are planning to, please do not eat another bacon-lettuce-and tomato sandwich (BLT). According to a moving video picture I just saw starring a very angry but nice congressman, the Republican Party will ban bacon if they find out you have eaten another BLT sandwich. I would be very very sad if this happened, because I like BLT sandwiches very very much and eat them every single day. If the Republican Party banned bacon, they would be just LT sandwiches, which does not sound very appetizing to me.

Maybe if you put something like boiled spinach, green pepper or eggplant in your sandwiches instead, that would be better, because I would not mind if the Republican Party banned those three unpleasant foodstuffs.

Thank you for your help.

Hugh Lafferty"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Why I Want to Go to Prison: Part I

Hello Everyone:

This recent "blog" posting from The New Yorker about a woman who wrote many of her books while she was in prison has inspired in me a very smart and good idea that is sure to help me finish the book I am trying to write now. I would like to share it with you and ask you what you think:

"Dear FBI Director Robert Mueller:

My name is Hugh Lafferty. I live in Emeryville, California. I am also the author of two very worthwhile and readable books: Hate Letters to Stephen Colbert and Paint! The Substance that Covers the Earth!

I am working on a new book called Gravity’s Rainbow: The Prequel Where Tyrone Slothrop Meets Stephen Dedalus. Writing this book is turning out to be a little harder than I expected. (For example, there were no V-2 rockets raining down on Dublin, Ireland in 1914 -- at least as far as I know.)

To overcome the creative roadblocks I have been encountering, I think it would be a very good and smart idea for me to rob the Bank of America on California Street and Kearny in San Francisco, on October 23, 2009 at 4 PM (unless the MUNI bus system breaks down again, in which case I may very well be somewhat late).

Just when I am making my “getaway,” you will arrest me, put me on trial and have me sentenced to Federal Prison for a very nice long stay. This way, I am sure I will be able to finish my book without distraction.

Some (among them my wife Gladys) have suggested that I commit a lesser crime that would result in a shorter jail sentence, such as Blackmail. Unfortunately, it turns out that Someone Smarter and Faster than I got to David Letterman before I did.

In addition, a very long jail term in federal prison would also allow me much more time to finish the many other books I want to write without distraction. Among them are:

When Life is Unfair: Penis Envy from Mozart to Strom Thurmond;

Rip-off! How Cynthia Ozick Stole My Ideas, Changed Her Name to Dan Brown and Made Millions; and

'I Just Wanted to Ride in the Air on a Big Crane': How I Discovered the Truth About Al Gore's Global Warming Campaign.

You will note, of course, that all my books have very long titles. This is because my research has shown me that people buy more books that have long titles than books with short titles, especially titles with colons in them. As I have learned from long experience, books with long titles take longer to write. So, I am sure my time in jail will be well spent.

Should your FBI agents not find me at the bank exactly at 4 PM (Thank you again, MUNI!), please ask them to be patient as I will be there to rob the bank as soon as I can. I am recognizable by my hirsute, height-challenged physique and white shirt and blue tie. I will also be wearing matching pants and shoes.

I look forward to meeting you and the FBI.

Thank you for your help.

Hugh Lafferty"

And, of course, thank you for your help.